IBYTAM: you bet i do

Welcome to my blog! What to expect: Random tangents and thoughts. Anything and everything Taylor Swift. Book reviews, eventually. Movie reviews. Poetry, maybe. Just whatever I’m thinking about. Enjoy!

Howl’s Moving Castle

This movie made me cry, and I DO want to talk about it.

After somehow avoiding Ghibli movies my entire life, I finally watched one. Bestie H LOOOOOVES howls, and I’ve heard them talk about it constantly for years. A theater in our town was showing it, and they asked me to go. It was very spontaneous for me lol. Before I get ahead of myself, I would like to add that I have read sooo much about this movie in the past few days.These were the themes that stood out the most to me. Particularly the adulthood part, and how it sucks. Starting with Sophie, beloved Sophie. In the beginning of the film, she seems uninspired by her life. She stays working in the hat shop because it’s the best option for her. If you’ve watched this movie, which it’d be weird if you hadn’t and are reading this but whatever, you know how women are treated by men. That’s actually how Sophie comes to meet Howl. (Bless him). When she’s cursed, she accepts it quickly. Jumping straight from adolescence to elderly life seems jarring, but Sophie embraces it. She leaves the hat shop, and is free. Kinda.

Moving onto Howl, he has quite the opposite experience. This man has like eight million chips on his shoulders. When we first get into the castle, Sophie learns of the many faces that it wears. Howl is like 5 different people, at least. He thinks he can solve all of the problems in his world by himself, whilst not wanting the responsibilities of adulthood. He effectively burns himself up in the process. His journey juxtaposes Sophie’s. Sophie seems to enjoy her new found age, while Howl is childish and does not want to change. All of the other wizards in the film do as they are told and end up losing themselves anyways, and Howl is on that path, too. Destruction is always self-destruction too. Regardless of how much magic you dump on top of the truth, the truth remains. Howl’s meltdown, that would’ve put sixteen year old me to shame, reveals a lot about his internal struggles. He loves his power, but he is terrified of losing control. He loves his family deeply, but is terrified of being unloved. He believes that he can solve the war by himself. But in the same way that Calcifer’s fire can be helpful and warm, it can also burn the castle to the ground.

Calcifer and the Castle! These characters, yes the castle is a character, also experience similar struggles to Sophie and Howl. More literally, their battle is essentially, “can I fundamentally change, and still be myself”, which DAMN. Ouchie. But real!! The only constant is change, and of course we’re still ourselves through it, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a thought and fear I’ve had. Both the castle and Calcifer grow, change, and suffer. And they both survive. Differently, but better. And that’s life, baybeee!

Our beloved characters go through so much change. We start by believing that the options are: grow up and be awful, or don’t grow up. They only find their peace after redefining growth and adulthood for themselves. What is worth fighting for, what is worth yielding for, what family and community really means are battles we all must face eventually. Or grow up and be awful. Don’t be that guy.

SPEAKING OF A GUY. Turnip head/prince SHOCKED me. My jaw was on the FLOOR. I genuinely thought that Markl was the long lost prince. Didn’t expect it to be the sentient scarecrow. Also didn’t expect him to be in love with our girl Soph, but I can’t blame him.

I am very excited to continue down the Ghibli rabbit hole, Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke are next on my list. Wish me luck, and send me your thoughts on the movie!

Crushes That Go Nowhere

redacted lol

A Week from Hell (and Heaven)

This week has been hard, painful, tiring, educational, and joyful. I struggle to notice when good things are happening, and I struggle to make them happen. They say “happiness is a choice”, and leave it at that. If we expanded on that further, more would understand what it actually means. You cannot choose to be happy, our feelings do not work that way (unfortunately). But, our choices directly affect our thoughts and feelings and moods. Going for a walk verses rotting away in bed. Taking a shower versus dry shampoo and baby wipes. Hanging out with a friend or (again) rotting away in bed. Washing your sheets versus ignoring how long it’s been. The choice to be happy isn’t a direct one, but it’s made up of the small things we do every day.

My depression is the sneaky kind. I rarely notice when she starts to seep into my daily life and routine. It’s comparable to an old friend coming to visit, because it’s something I’ve dealt with for most of my life. It doesn’t feel scary, it almost feels comforting. I often don’t have the drive to do my regular care tasks. I know I need to do them. I know the natural consequences. I just can’t bring myself to crawl out of my nest of blankets and crumbs and pillows. It’s warm there. And safe. I can disassociate into nothing and cease to exist for awhile.

Yesterday felt like a breakthrough. I spent time with a friend (on a weeknight!). I sang and danced and hugged on her so much, and she made my entire night brighter. We only spent two hours together. I washed my sheets, cleaned my car, bathed, and showered myself in nothing but love the entire time. I had a bad dream last night, but it was also the longest stretch of sleep I’ve gotten in over a year. I don’t believe that I’ll ever “beat” my depression, but I might be finally learning how to cope with it.

Happiness is your best friends giggle from the passenger seat. Happiness is a home cooked meal from your mom. Happiness is a clean body in clean sheets simply because she deserves to sleep well.

I love my life, and I love the people in it. It’s about time I started including myself in “people”.

1989 (taylor’s version)

i apologize for the person i will become on 10/27

Taylor’s fifth album has always been a love of mine. When originally released, I was 13 years old. Eighth grade was going better than the previous year, but I had new challenges rising from the flames of my preteen angst. I was on the precipice of knowledge that would change my life. This album is not prominently queer, but it was enough. It seems silly looking back, but hearing someone I grew up with, someone southern, someone in country music until the release of 1989, tell me that it was okay to like girls was. World altering.

Welcome to New York is the opening track, and an absolute bop. I did an english assignment using this song in eighth grade! It was beautiful, I wish I would’ve saved it. These days, this song reminds me of a beloved friend. Shout out to you, thanks for the blog help. I appreciate you more than you know.

Clean. Track 13. The best song on this album. It so perfectly encapsulates the feelings following a breakup. The drought was the very worst. The yearning for a past destined for failure. The repeated attempts and cycles. It was months and months of back and forth. You’re still all over me, like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore. The residual affects of a life shattering conclusion. Even when they’re removed from your life, they are still splattered haphazardly around you. Their favorite show releasing a new season, their favorite band is going on tour. The coffee shop they used to love is building a new location by your new house. They’re everywhere. The grief and pain that comes after ending something that was meant to be forever feels never ending. But eventually, the storm clouds will pass. The rain will stop. And you will be clean. Just because you’re clean, dont mean you wont miss it. We confuse the youth when we talk about healing. Grief never truely leaves, we just grow around it. It doesn’t get lighter, we get stronger. Now that we’re clean, we’re never going to risk it.

New Romantics, track 16. So upbeat and poppy. Also plays into the character the media was building. To me, this song radiates twenty-something joy. The best people in life are free. This song reminds me to romantisize myself and my friends. We’ll never be this young, dumb, and emotional again. Let’s build castles out of the bricks they throw.

hello world

I have no idea what I'm doing.

After much debate, we're finally here. I feel a little silly, but that'll probably wear off after a few posts. I have always been someone who loves to write, and i mean that literally. The swoops and swirls of cursive in gel. The scratch and squeak of graphite on notebook paper. I love it all. I’ve been captivated by writing for my entire life. I love the intricacies of handwriting. I think about my mom’s loopy L’s, my dad’s entirely uppercase sharp letters, the way the children in my preschool all learn to write the exact same way, and grow into something utterly unique to them. I think about my first love’s chicken scratch, the way my best friend writes her K’s. i am truely obsessed. This all being said, i can only hope that this love of storytelling will translate well to my new digital odyssey.

I’m not going to do a “meet the blogger” here, because eventually, my buttons will work. I might write it now and publish it later when i figure my life out. We’ll see. I’ll probably also move my blog description later, too. But for now, were working with my unskilled self. Most commonly, my updates will be large random brain dumps that only make sense to me. Additionally, you can expect taylor swift, literature (if you can call the garbage i read literature), and animal crossing. Also, cats. And dogs. Just animals in general, really.

about the blogger!

liar liar pants on fire

Okay, I changed my mind. I want to do an about me. I am a queer, 22 year old woman living in the American south. Thank you for your condolences. I’ve lived in the same town for my entire life, and as draining it can be to live here, I cant help but love my home. I am lucky, though. I’m a decently average white woman, with an unfortunately male dating history, and the privilege that comes with my “straight-passing” appearance. Because of my power within our community, bestowed upon me by our savior white jesus, I do my best to use my privilege to uplift the smothered voices around me. I am a loud and proud defender of human rights. As uncomfortable as it makes some, it is the bare minimum and the LEAST I could do. I’m a huge reader, and I’m the type that rates books based on enjoyment, not technicality and rules. I read trash, but I have a ball doing it. You’ve been warned. I have an emotional attachment to Taylor Swift’s music. I grew up with her, and her lyrics have made such an impact on me. Broken hearts, shattered friendships, internal battles. Her music just speaks to me. She isn’t the only artist that holds a piece of my heart in this way, but she is the most well known, so for ambiguity’s sake, I went with her lyrics for a blog title. I don’t consider myself religious, but something closer to agnostic spirtuality. I believe that there is power in the natural world around us, and I have no idea how that connects to our great big conundrum of existence. But isn’t it fun to ponder? I am a preschool teacher, specifically infants right now, and I have so many thoughts on childcare and everything in the realm of children, but if i start now we’ll be here all night. I will eventually have so many posts about it, y’all will be bored. Children are just tiny people, and it makes me very angry when they’re treated as lesser just because they’re little. I'm a pisces, a lover of the color pink, and a hopeless romantic. Haven’t had much luck in that area, but heres to hoping i’ll find my fairytale lover some day. The astrology app I use likes to blame my aries venus, but I think I just have a habit of picking losers.